Monday, 1 April 2019

Moving On

Last December, I turned 65. Shocker!! Hard to believe I made it this far and it certainly has not been uneventful on the journey. So many things in my life to learn from, love from, and sometimes, downright run from! I have never said I was perfect or even that well behaved yet there are those out there who have believed I was/am. I have a heart full of love and compassion for my fellow human and so it can be easy to get under my skin. I have had to learn to be tough but not lose my humanity. It's a challenging discipline. I do however consider myself to be very fortunate in my life. There have been times when I have been desperately alone, facing things that humans are not usually meant to face. And I have indulged myself in the occasional bath of self pity however those haven't lasted long thank God. Instead the opportunities to learn and grow have been endless and I took full advantage of them.

Sometimes we need to remember that pity parties are populated by one guest and we can eject that guest in favour of an attitude change. Sure!!! Have a great wallow but know that it is only a temporary state of mind. 

I know it sounds trite but adopt an attitude of gratitude and really believe it! It can be difficult to see the better things when we have drawn the curtain but better to open it up to the true light. There is so much to be thankful for and it is a conscious decision to move forward with strength, courage, and the determination of an elephant. Nothing can truly stop me if I don't let it. 


Saturday, 24 February 2018


I find it a little sad in a way that I don't cry anymore when I think of Wayne. I miss him and the other day, I found myself craving one of his glorious hugs. I still talk to him and it would be awesome to share some of the really cool things that have happened since his passing but somehow I know he knows. I'm sure he wants to give me advice. It must be hard being on the other side and truly having to let go and let the person make those mistakes.

It reminds me of parenting.  Sometimes you just have to stand back and let the inevitable happen. Otherwise they don't learn to take care of themselves or to have caution when they should. After my husband had the motor vehicle accident that left him a quadriplegic, I spent months running to make sure things were easier for him. I would pick stuff up, reach for him, quickly get that bite of food into his mouth. After a while I realized that part of his deepest depression was that he couldn't do the things he could before. So I hatched an idea after he kind of forced me to. I had left some cookies on the table and left to go do something in another room. When I came back, I noticed that it appeared that one was missing. I shrugged it off because I wasn't in to counting cookies. After leaving the room again, I came back and this time for sure there was a cookie missing!! I didn't say anything that day but a few days later, I went to Timmy's and got him some Timbits. He really liked those. When I got home he lit up to see the treasure. I put them on a flat plate and sat them on the table within reach for him. I smiled at him and said "You can have as many of those as you want. I have to go do something right now but I'll be back shortly to help you." With that I left the room and shed a tear where he wouldn't see me. Just in case I was wrong. I gave him about a half hour and went back to check on his progress. I came back to a big grin and a plate that was nearly empty. We both laughed at that. We had been through so much and always were struggling. This was a gigantic win. I was so proud of his efforts to just try and live a regular day. For us that meant so much fuss and goings on involving others and apparatus that was both life saving and scary. I can get up, shower have breakfast get dressed and leave the house in about 45 minutes. It took upwards of two hours for him to start facing the day.

But, enough of that. My point is that I have finally reached a point of freedom, or relief, if you like by being able to think of him in a loving and pleasant way without the tears, or feelings that surrounded his last five years in existence. It kind of surprised me recently when I started thinking about how much time has passed since he passed. He died July 20, 2011. And here we are in 2018. 7 years and in some ways they felt like they have flown by yet in others time has crawled along at a snail's pace. I am so glad he didn't have to suffer anymore. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been able to have a wonderful life together while it lasted. None of us is here permanently so it is important to be able to find some peace and contentment if you can. And if it is with someone in your life to share? So much the better!!


Tuesday, 9 January 2018

Power, Responsibility, and Judgement.

A couple of nights ago I was watching the Golden Globe Awards. We  have so many wonderful and talented performers and it's nice to see hard work rewarded and peers acknowledging each other. I, like many others, was suitably impressed with the eloquent and powerfully moving speech made by none other than Oprah Winfrey. It spoke out about sexual harassment and how it has been in the dark for far too long. It also has kicked off the "Time's Up" movement to get it into the light. The behaviour is not acceptable and more importantly, people have to stop being punished or disbelieved when they speak up about it. 

I felt a great deal of sadness this morning as I was reading that Ivanka Trump spoke in agreement with Oprah and wanted to let it be publicly acknowledged. I was surprised at so many people reacting in a very unkind and negative way pointing out that her father is a predator and telling her she didn't get to be a part of this. I felt it was exceedingly unfair to judge her on her father's actions. And to shun her was this side of cruel. I stated on social media that I wanted people to think about what they say and how they judge each other. After all, if he is a predator outwardly, do they not think he is also at home? I believe that she is just as much a victim as all those complaining about him and frankly maybe more!! You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and she never looks happy. I have always thought she looks haunted. Sadly I am all too familiar with that look as I have worn it before myself. On the outside everybody thought my family was healthy, happy, and supportive of each other. I grew up feeling betrayed by every male figure in my impressionable life. They all took turns molesting me and making me feel less and less worthy. Mine is not a singular story unfortunately. Many of us has grown up in a society where females of all ages were not valued except for play time. And many of us grew up very angry. My daughter never experienced that because I was extremely diligent in watching for that and fortunately I had quality people in my life. She has grown to be an incredible, vibrant, and extremely intellectual individual. 

I speak to all of this because the reason they got away with it for so long was because no one would speak up. We weren't believed and lots of times ridiculed for saying anything. Our parents didn't want anything to rock the boat. My Mother always said "Peace at any Price!" I didn't understand what she meant by that until I finally had the courage to tell her what had been happening for about 10 years. And, predictably, she reacted in a huge dramatic way wanting to know why I hadn't said anything before. We would have left. She had never let me know that I had that kind of support since I had once tried to share some feelings with her and she told me not be ridiculous! To this day, I can feel very uncomfortable in some situations. 

I am sorry for the backlash that Ivanka is taking but more than that I feel worried that the human race is losing it's "Humanity". Love each other and please think before you open your mouth. You don't know how far reaching your disdain will be. 

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Moving Blech!!!

I do not like moving but sometimes it seems we just need to move on. Whether that be in our lives, our relationships, or our actual address. I believe the hint is about going with the flow. We ask the Universe, (God, Cosmos, Karma, and sundry other names) for what we desire in our lives and then blithely go about resisting the change. Make sense? Of course not, you say but you are just as guilty as the rest of us. Is this because we have been taught that we can't just get something we want just because? Really if you have any inclination towards manifesting abundance, that is exactly the way it works. 

As much as I grumble, right now because I am so tired, I am thrilled really with where I will be located. I will be able to see the lake from my deck, feel the breeze and hear it as it rustles through my wind chimes, and have so much less traffic. It will be quiet and at night it will actually be dark. LOL. Where I am right now, the lights are on 24/7 and you don't get a very restful sleep at night. I will still have room to have guests occasionally so come on by when you're in the area. But mainly I will enjoy the solitude just a bit more and the chance to write. I hope to finish my novel this next year and get it published. Fingers crossed. 

In the meantime I dearly love my profession of counselling and will continue with that as long as I possibly can. I will have an office at home plus I am offering online, Zoom, Skype, and telephone sessions as well as in person. This may mean that I can let go of my office downtown eventually. We'll see. 

I am finding that as I get older, I can have a bit of a difficulty with change. Only because once you get settled in, it's so much more comfortable to just stay the same. However you don't grow if you get mired in familiarity and I'm all for growth. What a conundrum. 

I hope you are having your own challenges and decisions to make. It is the spice that keeps us going and I would hate the think I was the only one in this situation. Have a very blessed weekend and I will write again soon. 


Sunday, 19 November 2017

I have always appreciated the beauty of things. It doesn't have to be big or even out of the ordinary but beauty is everywhere if you just open your eyes and see. I am so thankful for the ability to love the stuff that so many take for granted. After the experiences I have had over the years, I have learned that nothing is free, you need much more than you realize, your footprint is likely more like a truckload, and being grateful is a wonderful exercise in positivity and being mindful.

Mindfulness is the practice of remaining in the here and now. You can't control the future and you can never hope for a better past. There are some who think you can control the future but frankly the best you can do is influence a possible outcome and even then there is nothing really predictable about any of it.  Better to live now and don't waste the precious moment by ignoring it for the chance of a lottery win.

You can find all kinds of instructions on time management, mindfulness, and meditation. That is great and good for those who aren't familiar with the terms but really, as with many great things in our history, the beauty is in the simplicity of it all. Take a deep breath, tell yourself you are awesome, because you most assuredly are, and relax. Quit trying so hard.