Attitude of Gratitude

 

June 15, 2021

This might sound like a great whine so get out your tissues, settle back and please indulge me to put out some very raw and true feelings. 

I just went by the 1st anniversary of Sammy, my very best friend, passing from bowel cancer. It was such a terrible time and I hated that I had to let her go. Sammy was my Tuxedo cat whom I had the great honour of having in my life from her birth on June 17th, 2003. We almost immediately bonded and it was so cool that she loved me as much as I loved her. I have had a full lifetime of beautiful and loving pets and it doesn't take anything away from them but she was my soul sister. My familiar, my staunch defender. And she made it clear to anyone who approached her that she was off limits. Period!! No exceptions. We had 17 wonderful years together which is nothing to sneeze at but I am greedy and would have given anything to have more time. I still wrestle with my final decision to let the vet put her to sleep rather than make her suffer longer than necessary. Part of me wishes fervently that I had got the pain meds and brought her home to die with me. In fact I would give almost anything now to change that decision. So sad. And rushed. I loved her and needed to not be selfish for my own need. It's the shitty part of being a pet partner. And looking back, I know I did the right thing however it does little to comfort me. 

After I lost my husband in 2011, Sammy was my mainstay. I had a beautiful dog, Bean, whom I adored. We went for walks however I am limited as to how long I can actually do that so poor Bean didn't get a lot of the workout she deserved. After I got to Kelowna, I needed to find a home for her. I didn't want to give her to a stranger, so I asked my daughter to take her. After a bit of a struggle with her then significant other, it was agreed that she would go there and be part of their family. There are many, but one really wonderful thing that happened was that having her there helped my Grandson conquer his fear of big dogs. She loves both the grandchildren. My other kitty was Smokey who was Sammy's sister. Smokey was a lovely grey tabby. Her markings were distinct and oh so pretty. I lost her in 2019 to cancer in the jaw. 

All these losses have added up over time. I just get so I can cope with one and then another happens. Frankly I am tired of crying but I can't help it. Each one has it's own special meaning and pain. I have happy memories of them all. They were so good to me and I appreciated it so much. 

Sammy's Angel had come to tell her that it was going to be very soon and that she shouldn't be afraid.

Present day now is so different from what I thought it was going to be. We think we will be with our others forever. No one thinks about how finite this existence truly is. And yet the time is filled to overflowing with experiences, good and bad, and lessons to be learned and cherished. We grow from everything and if we let ourselves see the positive in all of it, we can then pass it on to others. I believe we all are here as students and as teachers as well. It wouldn't be so bad if you could just remove that empty ache from deep within. That echo of smiles and well being. The knowing that this is the best and loving every moment. Never guessing that it will end. I have two lovely brothers now who entertain me, love me, sometimes snuggle me, and yes, even teach me. We are building a wonderful relationship and I am enjoying it. One thing that cannot just be passed over though, is my incredible hunger for a hug. A great glorious hug that isn't just polite or obligatory. A hug that squeezes me, and most importantly lets me know that first I am still human and second, that everything is going to be alright. That feeling of "We" can face it together. I am a ship without an anchor and it is truly frightening. That feeling of drifting with no direction is not good for someone like me. Maybe that is the lesson. I need to learn to let go but considering that in most of my life, if I let go, all hell will break loose and then I get left with the aftermath. No thanks!! I can think of many other things more preferable. lol 

June will forever be a difficult month for me now. I have lost others at this time and they sting too but this one is the worst. The other night, as I was driving home from doing a little shopping for a batch I was making, I turned down the road to home and suddenly I swerved because a baby Marmot had been run over. I pray over all the babies I see and ask Jesus to take them to him. I did that and looked up to the side of the road and there was his Mommy, looking at him hard! It was like she was willing him to get up and come over. Well, that did me in. I got to a safe spot, parked and sobbed my eyes out. It really hit me hard about how we don't control anything and shit happens no matter what. It was the exclamation mark to the day. I was there a good 20 minutes just trying to collect myself so I could get home. As soon as I got there, I went looking for the boys to tell them I love them soooo much!!  If there is something simple to learn from all of this, it is to value those you love for every moment you are privileged to have together. 

I will recover from all of this because it is in my nature not to dwell. I know I will see her again and that moment will live in the Cosmos forever. You will see bright sparks in the sky and wonder what that was. 

Thank you for indulging me. I appreciate it. If you would like to leave a comment, please do and I will respond. 

Namaste!