Sammy Persall
June 17, 2003-June 11, 2020
My heart is shattered. I am broken and can hardly concentrate on anything. It is taking all I can find to care about much of anything. Sammy developed Bowel Cancer and in very short order had to be put to sleep. I can hardly believe such a wonderful creature could be taken by something so fucking awful! And I am overwhelmed by guilt. Not about letting her go. That would be an act of cruel selfishness to make her keep hanging on because I couldn't let go. I feel that she trusted me implicitly to take care of her "in sickness and in health" so to speak and I feel like I let her down. My logical brain is fighting with my emotional brain and it is a close contest. Right now the emotions are winning and it isn't pretty. The vet sent a beautiful sympathy card personally signed by him with a lovely note acknowledging my pain and the difficulty he knew I faced to make the decision. He thanked me for being brave enough to really love my kitty and put her out of her suffering. It meant so much to me to have someone who knows about all these things let me know that I definitely did the right thing. And we all know the right thing is rarely the easy thing.
Sammy surprised me so many times through the years. She absolutely did things that you would not expect a cat to do or even want to do. She would follow me like a dog. She always wanted to be with me whatever I was doing. That sometimes was difficult because I insisted on her being an indoor cat. Some people think that is mean but I do not. Everywhere I have lived, there have been serious predators and her life would have been at risk all the time.
Sammy loved flowers. She would go out of her way to smell them and sit with them. This is the one and only bouquet Wayne got for Valentine's for me, the year he passed away. This is a very special picture. 
Also that same year, Tamara and Jay were coming out to introduce Wayne's new granddaughter, Sadie and stay for a long awaited visit with us in Hope. I bought the green toy, Scout, for Sadie but when I was going to wrap it Sammy fell in love with it. And I have played the music for her every day since. There is a lullaby section that I would press and she would nap away. The last day she was here, I played it and when I came back in the room, she was purring. 
This picture was taken a few days before. She was needing the sunshine and the energy from it. The next picture both elates me and tears me apart. It is of her communicating with her Angel. They are telling her that time is near and she will be alright. It was so wonderful to see that she was getting reassured but hurt my heart so much because it meant that it was a done deal and there would be no turning back. I loved her so deeply I didn't want it to be real.
Namaste!
No comments:
Post a Comment