Saturday, November 14, 2020

I recently had cataract surgery on both of my eyes and right this morning I am not feeling thrilled about it but for anyone who is feeling scared about getting the actual surgery, don't be afraid. It was likely one of the easiest procedures I have ever been through. My sight had gotten very bad and at night I could not drive anymore. The last time I did, I drove blind and that scared the hell out of me. I am sure it is only by the Grace of God that I got home. It was raining, dark, and headlights coming toward me, and extremely difficult to make anything out. It was all a blur and I was driving at high speed. It was tempting to kiss the ground when I pulled into my driveway. I swore I would not drive at night again until I had had the surgery. 

It was about two weeks later that I went in to get my right eye done. My friend dropped me off at the hospital and would return when they called her to come and get me. I went in to the lobby where everyone goes now before finding their respective floors. I was asked the Covid 19 questions before being cleared to continue to the clinic. Once I had assured them I did not have a cold, sore throat, dizziness, or fever, and had not been out of the country recently nor had I been around anyone else who had been, I was given the green light. 

I found the elevator and went up to the second floor, Eye Clinic. I immediately found it quite funny because the sign is HUGE!! so you couldn't miss it. I waited at the designated spot, when the receptionist (Victoria) came out and greeted me with a big smile. She was friendly, kind, and knew what I was feeling. She deals with people every day going through the same or similar feelings. It's the unknown, the "I have no idea what to expect" feeling, the "I hope to God nothing goes wrong" feeling. She assured me that all would go well, and that I could go and sit down in the waiting area. After I got settled, another very nice nurse came out with a bin of drops to put in my eye. One was to start dissolving the lens in the back, and the others were for numbing the eye and like an anti biotic to prevent infection. All done very quickly and then to sit and wait for the next round. She came back two or three times to complete the same procedure. None of it hurt and I could still see. I wasn't at all afraid by then. 

Once it was my turn, I was taken in to sit in a very comfy chair that was leaned way back when I got in. They inserted an intra venous line and gave me something to take me to lala land. LOL. I wasn't completely asleep but I wasn't awake either. The whole thing was done in about 20 minutes. Old lens out, and new one in. My ride was called to come and get me and take me home. I felt quite good, albeit a bit nervous about the new lens however I knew I could call them if I needed to. I actually did a couple of days later and it turned out that I was experiencing something completely normal so didn't have to worry. Whew!! I am so grateful to have had that done. Then, one week later, they did the other eye. It was very similar in every way except this one hurt a bit. Nothing major but I was surprised. Then after was the drops. You had to remember to use the drops because it made your body accept the foreign object. They are quite soothing as your eyes can get quite dry. I used them up like a hungry beggar because I wasn't going to have anything go wrong if I could prevent it. 

I am so grateful and happy that I got this done. I see wonderfully well, and my eyes are healthy and the best part is that I don't have to wear glasses for driving or watching TV anymore. How liberating that is. I hate that I have to wear them for reading but who knows? Maybe in the near future I will get the Laser treatment done so that I can lose for that as well. We'll see, lol. 

Namaste

Heather 

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My Very Best Friend

Sammy Persall

June 17, 2003-June 11, 2020

My heart is shattered. I am broken and can hardly concentrate on anything. It is taking all I can find to care about much of anything. Sammy developed Bowel Cancer and in very short order had to be put to sleep. I can hardly believe such a wonderful creature could be taken by something so fucking awful! And I am overwhelmed by guilt. Not about letting her go. That would be an act of cruel selfishness to make her keep hanging on because I couldn't let go. I feel that she trusted me implicitly to take care of her "in sickness and in health" so to speak and I feel like I let her down. My logical brain is fighting with my emotional brain and it is a close contest. Right now the emotions are winning and it isn't pretty. The vet sent a beautiful sympathy card personally signed by him with a lovely note acknowledging my pain and the difficulty he knew I faced to make the decision. He thanked me for being brave enough to really love my kitty and put her out of her suffering. It meant so much to me to have someone who knows about all these things let me know that I definitely did the right thing. And we all know the right thing is rarely the easy thing. 

Sammy surprised me so many times through the years. She absolutely did things that you would not expect a cat to do or even want to do. She would follow me like a dog. She always wanted to be with me whatever I was doing. That sometimes was difficult because I insisted on her being an indoor cat. Some people think that is mean but I do not. Everywhere I have lived, there have been serious predators and her life would have been at risk all the time. 

Sammy loved flowers. She would go out of her way to smell them and sit with them. This is the one and only bouquet Wayne got for Valentine's for me, the year he passed away. This is a very special picture. 

Also that same year, Tamara and Jay were coming out to introduce Wayne's new granddaughter, Sadie and stay for a long awaited visit with us in Hope. I bought the green toy, Scout, for Sadie but when I was going to wrap it Sammy fell in love with it. And I have played the music for her every day since. There is a lullaby section that I would press and she would nap away. The last day she was here, I played it and when I came back in the room, she was purring. 

This picture was taken a few days before. She was needing the sunshine and the energy from it. The next picture both elates me and tears me apart. It is of her communicating with her Angel. They are telling her that time is near and she will be alright. It was so wonderful to see that she was getting reassured but hurt my heart so much because it meant that it was a done deal and there would be no turning back. I loved her so deeply I didn't want it to be real. 

I love you my dear! I will always hold you in my heart. Thank you for being a loving, devoted best friend to me. Until we meet again, be safe. 

Namaste!

 

 

 SATURDAY, MAY 23, 2009

 

                            Experience in the First Degree!

 

Let me start with the situation that has prompted this blog. In September of 2006, my husband was sitting in a left turn lane waiting to make his turn. A woman in an oncoming vehicle chose that intersection to look for something on her dash while speeding up to get through because the light had turned yellow. Her attention was not where it should be and consequently, she drove into his car leaving him an incomplete quadriplegic with damage to the C3 and 4, and C5 and 6 areas of his spine. This was the beginning of a most incredible journey in pain, suffering, emotional upheaval, and abject fear.

 

 

I had been cleaning the house and getting ready for a nice evening starting with a great dinner and quiet time with Wayne. Everything was set but it was starting to get a bit late. I checked my watch to see what time it was. I was expecting him to be home or at least call me around 3 or 3:30. It was now 4:30 and no call. The phone rang around 5 and I thought about him. Imagine my surprise to hear an unfamiliar voice asking me if this was Mrs. Persall? I said yes tentatively, thinking I was going to get sold a set of golf clubs or a free trip. She said she was calling from the Royal Columbian Hospital to let me know that they had my husband there and that he had been involved in a car accident. I expressed alarm and she reassured me that they were just waiting for x-rays to come back to confirm whether he had any broken bones or not. I said I would be there right away and her next sentence chills me to this very day. She said "Don't rush!"

 

I got to emergency and asked where he was. They pointed me in the right direction and as I got closer to his spot, I could hear him crying and calling out for help please this hurts so bad! They  didn't dare give him anything for the pain until the neuropathic surgeon had seen him because they could  mask something critical. It broke my heart to see him so bad off. He had a collar around his neck and wasn't moving much and as soon as he saw me, he begged me to find someone to help him get something for the pain. It took another hour before the surgeon was there to see him and the x-rays. We were told that he would be staying in the hospital for a bit and that although he was paralyzed at the moment, he should

expect a 95% chance of recovery. I was terrified for him but positive in my outlook because of that information. It is now May of 2009 and Wayne still has not walked. He has had some recovery and is hopeful of more but we  aren't there yet.

 

 

In this journey we have met some wonderful and some terrible people. The medical system is already stressed to the max but needs to provide so much more. He spent 16 months in hospital and GF Strong in Vancouver and received many different levels of care. There doesn't seem to be any real qualifier when it comes to quadriplegia. This experience has changed both of us and I might add, for the better. It is hard to believe that such a terrible thing could bring good positive changes to your life but it is true. I have come to realize my inner strength and my limitations. My love for life and how wonderful it can be is fortified even more. I love my husband with all my heart and that won't change. It is said that 90% of spouses and loved ones will leave a situation like this because it is just too hard to deal with. I have to say that I understand that and don't judge those who can't handle it. I take my hat off to those who stick with it (including myself) because believe me it isn't easy! I want to share this experience because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and people need to know it. Others will share similar experiences and likely will feel the same frustrations and anger that we felt. They need to know there is help to be found and that they are not alone. I felt terribly alone and desolate. So, this light will shine for others and I will continue to update regularly while telling the rest of the story. I am thankful for a loving God in my life and a mother who taught me that courage doesn’t come from fists but rather the tiny little voice in the quiet that says

"You can do it." Peace!

History Repeats

 

I used to blog under another name and because I had not been active for a very long time, blogger deleted all my blogs. Fortunately I loved my writing and had the foresight to print everything I had written. These are old blogs from 2009 to 2011. I am going to publish them all again because they still have impact and I want the message to get out. I believe in positivity and we all strive to be better humans so let's lift each other up. And maybe with all that is going on in the world, this is a good and right time to publish them again. I do hope you will enjoy them. 

Heather 

PS.....Can you tell I am looking forward to "Spring"?

Moving On

Last December, I turned 65. Shocker!! Hard to believe I made it this far and it certainly has not been uneventful on the journey. So many things in my life to learn from, love from, and sometimes, downright run from! I have never said I was perfect or even that well behaved yet there are those out there who have believed I was/am. I have a heart full of love and compassion for my fellow human and so it can be easy to get under my skin. I have had to learn to be tough but not lose my humanity. It's a challenging discipline. I do however consider myself to be very fortunate in my life. There have been times when I have been desperately alone, facing things that humans are not usually meant to face. And I have indulged myself in the occasional bath of self pity however those haven't lasted long thank God. Instead the opportunities to learn and grow have been endless and I took full advantage of them.

Sometimes we need to remember that pity parties are populated by one guest and we can eject that guest in favour of an attitude change. Sure!!! Have a great wallow but know that it is only a temporary state of mind. 

I know it sounds trite but adopt an attitude of gratitude and really believe it! It can be difficult to see the better things when we have drawn the curtain but better to open it up to the true light. There is so much to be thankful for and it is a conscious decision to move forward with strength, courage, and the determination of an elephant. Nothing can truly stop me if I don't let it. 

Namaste!

REFLECTIONS

I find it a little sad in a way that I don't cry anymore when I think of Wayne. I miss him and the other day, I found myself craving one of his glorious hugs. I still talk to him and it would be awesome to share some of the really cool things that have happened since his passing but somehow I know he knows. I'm sure he wants to give me advice. It must be hard being on the other side and truly having to let go and let the person make those mistakes.

It reminds me of parenting.  Sometimes you just have to stand back and let the inevitable happen. Otherwise they don't learn to take care of themselves or to have caution when they should. After my husband had the motor vehicle accident that left him a quadriplegic, I spent months running to make sure things were easier for him. I would pick stuff up, reach for him, quickly get that bite of food into his mouth. After a while I realized that part of his deepest depression was that he couldn't do the things he could before. So I hatched an idea after he kind of forced me to. I had left some cookies on the table and left to go do something in another room. When I came back, I noticed that it appeared that one was missing. I shrugged it off because I wasn't in to counting cookies. After leaving the room again, I came back and this time for sure there was a cookie missing!! I didn't say anything that day but a few days later, I went to Timmy's and got him some Timbits. He really liked those. When I got home he lit up to see the treasure. I put them on a flat plate and sat them on the table within reach for him. I smiled at him and said "You can have as many of those as you want. I have to go do something right now but I'll be back shortly to help you." With that I left the room and shed a tear where he wouldn't see me. Just in case I was wrong. I gave him about a half hour and went back to check on his progress. I came back to a big grin and a plate that was nearly empty. We both laughed at that. We had been through so much and always were struggling. This was a gigantic win. I was so proud of his efforts to just try and live a regular day. For us that meant so much fuss and goings on involving others and apparatus that was both life saving and scary. I can get up, shower have breakfast get dressed and leave the house in about 45 minutes. It took upwards of two hours for him to start facing the day.

But, enough of that. My point is that I have finally reached a point of freedom, or relief, if you like by being able to think of him in a loving and pleasant way without the tears, or feelings that surrounded his last five years in existence. It kind of surprised me recently when I started thinking about how much time has passed since he passed. He died July 20, 2011. And here we are in 2018. 7 years and in some ways they felt like they have flown by yet in others time has crawled along at a snail's pace. I am so glad he didn't have to suffer anymore. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been able to have a wonderful life together while it lasted. None of us is here permanently so it is important to be able to find some peace and contentment if you can. And if it is with someone in your life to share? So much the better!!

Namaste!

Power, Responsibility, and Judgement.

A couple of nights ago I was watching the Golden Globe Awards. We  have so many wonderful and talented performers and it's nice to see hard work rewarded and peers acknowledging each other. I, like many others, was suitably impressed with the eloquent and powerfully moving speech made by none other than Oprah Winfrey. It spoke out about sexual harassment and how it has been in the dark for far too long. It also has kicked off the "Time's Up" movement to get it into the light. The behaviour is not acceptable and more importantly, people have to stop being punished or disbelieved when they speak up about it. 

I felt a great deal of sadness this morning as I was reading that Ivanka Trump spoke in agreement with Oprah and wanted to let it be publicly acknowledged. I was surprised at so many people reacting in a very unkind and negative way pointing out that her father is a predator and telling her she didn't get to be a part of this. I felt it was exceedingly unfair to judge her on her father's actions. And to shun her was this side of cruel. I stated on social media that I wanted people to think about what they say and how they judge each other. After all, if he is a predator outwardly, do they not think he is also at home? I believe that she is just as much a victim as all those complaining about him and frankly maybe more!! You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and she never looks happy. I have always thought she looks haunted. Sadly I am all too familiar with that look as I have worn it before myself. On the outside everybody thought my family was healthy, happy, and supportive of each other. I grew up feeling betrayed by every male figure in my impressionable life. They all took turns molesting me and making me feel less and less worthy. Mine is not a singular story unfortunately. Many of us has grown up in a society where females of all ages were not valued except for play time. And many of us grew up very angry. My daughter never experienced that because I was extremely diligent in watching for that and fortunately I had quality people in my life. She has grown to be an incredible, vibrant, and extremely intellectual individual. 

I speak to all of this because the reason they got away with it for so long was because no one would speak up. We weren't believed and lots of times ridiculed for saying anything. Our parents didn't want anything to rock the boat. My Mother always said "Peace at any Price!" I didn't understand what she meant by that until I finally had the courage to tell her what had been happening for about 10 years. And, predictably, she reacted in a huge dramatic way wanting to know why I hadn't said anything before. We would have left. She had never let me know that I had that kind of support since I had once tried to share some feelings with her and she told me not be ridiculous! To this day, I can feel very uncomfortable in some situations. 

I am sorry for the backlash that Ivanka is taking but more than that I feel worried that the human race is losing it's "Humanity". Love each other and please think before you open your mouth. You don't know how far reaching your disdain will be. 

Moving Blech!!!

I do not like moving but sometimes it seems we just need to move on. Whether that be in our lives, our relationships, or our actual address. I believe the hint is about going with the flow. We ask the Universe, (God, Cosmos, Karma, and sundry other names) for what we desire in our lives and then blithely go about resisting the change. Make sense? Of course not, you say but you are just as guilty as the rest of us. Is this because we have been taught that we can't just get something we want just because? Really if you have any inclination towards manifesting abundance, that is exactly the way it works. 

As much as I grumble, right now because I am so tired, I am thrilled really with where I will be located. I will be able to see the lake from my deck, feel the breeze and hear it as it rustles through my wind chimes, and have so much less traffic. It will be quiet and at night it will actually be dark. LOL. Where I am right now, the lights are on 24/7 and you don't get a very restful sleep at night. I will still have room to have guests occasionally so come on by when you're in the area. But mainly I will enjoy the solitude just a bit more and the chance to write. I hope to finish my novel this next year and get it published. Fingers crossed. 

In the meantime I dearly love my profession of counselling and will continue with that as long as I possibly can. I will have an office at home plus I am offering online, Zoom, Skype, and telephone sessions as well as in person. This may mean that I can let go of my office downtown eventually. We'll see. 

I am finding that as I get older, I can have a bit of a difficulty with change. Only because once you get settled in, it's so much more comfortable to just stay the same. However you don't grow if you get mired in familiarity and I'm all for growth. What a conundrum. 

I hope you are having your own challenges and decisions to make. It is the spice that keeps us going and I would hate the think I was the only one in this situation. Have a very blessed weekend and I will write again soon. 

Namaste!

Heather

I have always appreciated the beauty of things. It doesn't have to be big or even out of the ordinary but beauty is everywhere if you just open your eyes and see. I am so thankful for the ability to love the stuff that so many take for granted. After the experiences I have had over the years, I have learned that nothing is free, you need much more than you realize, your footprint is likely more like a truckload, and being grateful is a wonderful exercise in positivity and being mindful.



Mindfulness is the practice of remaining in the here and now. You can't control the future and you can never hope for a better past. There are some who think you can control the future but frankly the best you can do is influence a possible outcome and even then there is nothing really predictable about any of it.  Better to live now and don't waste the precious moment by ignoring it for the chance of a lottery win.


You can find all kinds of instructions on time management, mindfulness, and meditation. That is great and good for those who aren't familiar with the terms but really, as with many great things in our history, the beauty is in the simplicity of it all. Take a deep breath, tell yourself you are awesome, because you most assuredly are, and relax. Quit trying so hard.

Namaste!
Heather