Saturday, 24 February 2018


I find it a little sad in a way that I don't cry anymore when I think of Wayne. I miss him and the other day, I found myself craving one of his glorious hugs. I still talk to him and it would be awesome to share some of the really cool things that have happened since his passing but somehow I know he knows. I'm sure he wants to give me advice. It must be hard being on the other side and truly having to let go and let the person make those mistakes.

It reminds me of parenting.  Sometimes you just have to stand back and let the inevitable happen. Otherwise they don't learn to take care of themselves or to have caution when they should. After my husband had the motor vehicle accident that left him a quadriplegic, I spent months running to make sure things were easier for him. I would pick stuff up, reach for him, quickly get that bite of food into his mouth. After a while I realized that part of his deepest depression was that he couldn't do the things he could before. So I hatched an idea after he kind of forced me to. I had left some cookies on the table and left to go do something in another room. When I came back, I noticed that it appeared that one was missing. I shrugged it off because I wasn't in to counting cookies. After leaving the room again, I came back and this time for sure there was a cookie missing!! I didn't say anything that day but a few days later, I went to Timmy's and got him some Timbits. He really liked those. When I got home he lit up to see the treasure. I put them on a flat plate and sat them on the table within reach for him. I smiled at him and said "You can have as many of those as you want. I have to go do something right now but I'll be back shortly to help you." With that I left the room and shed a tear where he wouldn't see me. Just in case I was wrong. I gave him about a half hour and went back to check on his progress. I came back to a big grin and a plate that was nearly empty. We both laughed at that. We had been through so much and always were struggling. This was a gigantic win. I was so proud of his efforts to just try and live a regular day. For us that meant so much fuss and goings on involving others and apparatus that was both life saving and scary. I can get up, shower have breakfast get dressed and leave the house in about 45 minutes. It took upwards of two hours for him to start facing the day.

But, enough of that. My point is that I have finally reached a point of freedom, or relief, if you like by being able to think of him in a loving and pleasant way without the tears, or feelings that surrounded his last five years in existence. It kind of surprised me recently when I started thinking about how much time has passed since he passed. He died July 20, 2011. And here we are in 2018. 7 years and in some ways they felt like they have flown by yet in others time has crawled along at a snail's pace. I am so glad he didn't have to suffer anymore. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been able to have a wonderful life together while it lasted. None of us is here permanently so it is important to be able to find some peace and contentment if you can. And if it is with someone in your life to share? So much the better!!


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