June 15, 2021

 

February 18th, 2021

I am going to continue to republish the blogs that were lost. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to print them all out. They are my babies and a way for me to learn to write well. I have had many comments in the positive about my style of writing. Frankly it makes me calm and happy to sit down and gather my thoughts. I love to put them to paper and I enjoy sharing them with others because even if the details aren't the same, I know there are messages for everyone and in particular, my belief that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! Please indulge me and if you feel the urge to respond and comment, I would love that. Thank you for your time!

Namaste.

Sunday May 24, 2009

"What If ?"

Have you ever wondered what if? Otherwise known as shoulda, coulda, woulda we often will put off today what we could possibly do tomorrow. It has come to me that putting things off only delays the inevitable and sometimes it isn't pleasant. In fact it usually isn't smart. My quandary is what if we never heard or read any of our history? Would it change our outlook on life and the pertinent occurrences from it? My mother gave me so much in wisdom, sayings ( that at the time seemed silly), and courage. She had to face some major adversity and I suppose it prepared me for mine. She would say "You fly with the crows, you get shot at" and smile knowing I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. Or how about "I haven't seen those since Hector was a pup". Who the hell was Hector? I never did find out and really she didn't know either. She was just passing on what she had heard from her Mother. Which is how we learn about our families most of the time. No one writes things down, they just pass them on and we all know what happens when you just talk about things from memory. They get bigger, harder, longer, tougher or worst of all, forgotten. I would love to be able to go back to the events and see them first hand. I can see myself as a cub scout reporter. Taking my little notes for later and thoroughly enjoying being part of the "now".

 I feel sad that the life before the accident was remarkable but we didn't keep notes because we didn't know we would want to someday. What is missing is details of the little things that mean so much and endear us to each other. He was not one to surprise me with flowers and I accepted that but every pay Friday was a reason to go out to dinner. We would go for long drives on a Sunday afternoon after church. Not usually with a destination in mind, just wherever we ended up was great. One of my favourite things was to go to Crescent Beach in the summer very early on a Sunday morning. The sun would be bright and beautiful , the water would be very still, and you could see birds out on the sand bars hunting for breakfast. The whole scene was surreal because it was so quiet, you could hear them making their calls to each other but they were several hundred feet away from us. The best part would be that there would be a little breeze blowing to cool you and we would just sit on the bench and hold hands.
 You never realize how much a person touches your life until they can't anymore. Actually I take that back. He does touch my life however it is not the same and that is what I miss. Now dinner means I feed him a bite and then me a bite and then him a bite and then me a bite and so on. Meals are rarely very hot because of it. I don't really mind anymore, I'm so glad he is here. I must tell you though, what I miss most of all....don't laugh now! I miss that he can't take out the garbage!!! I always hated doing it and he never  minded.

 Saturday, November 14, 2020

I recently had cataract surgery on both of my eyes and right this morning I am not feeling thrilled about it but for anyone who is feeling scared about getting the actual surgery, don't be afraid. It was likely one of the easiest procedures I have ever been through. My sight had gotten very bad and at night I could not drive anymore. The last time I did, I drove blind and that scared the hell out of me. I am sure it is only by the Grace of God that I got home. It was raining, dark, and headlights coming toward me, and extremely difficult to make anything out. It was all a blur and I was driving at high speed. It was tempting to kiss the ground when I pulled into my driveway. I swore I would not drive at night again until I had had the surgery. 

It was about two weeks later that I went in to get my right eye done. My friend dropped me off at the hospital and would return when they called her to come and get me. I went in to the lobby where everyone goes now before finding their respective floors. I was asked the Covid 19 questions before being cleared to continue to the clinic. Once I had assured them I did not have a cold, sore throat, dizziness, or fever, and had not been out of the country recently nor had I been around anyone else who had been, I was given the green light. 

I found the elevator and went up to the second floor, Eye Clinic. I immediately found it quite funny because the sign is HUGE!! so you couldn't miss it. I waited at the designated spot, when the receptionist (Victoria) came out and greeted me with a big smile. She was friendly, kind, and knew what I was feeling. She deals with people every day going through the same or similar feelings. It's the unknown, the "I have no idea what to expect" feeling, the "I hope to God nothing goes wrong" feeling. She assured me that all would go well, and that I could go and sit down in the waiting area. After I got settled, another very nice nurse came out with a bin of drops to put in my eye. One was to start dissolving the lens in the back, and the others were for numbing the eye and like an anti biotic to prevent infection. All done very quickly and then to sit and wait for the next round. She came back two or three times to complete the same procedure. None of it hurt and I could still see. I wasn't at all afraid by then. 

Once it was my turn, I was taken in to sit in a very comfy chair that was leaned way back when I got in. They inserted an intra venous line and gave me something to take me to lala land. LOL. I wasn't completely asleep but I wasn't awake either. The whole thing was done in about 20 minutes. Old lens out, and new one in. My ride was called to come and get me and take me home. I felt quite good, albeit a bit nervous about the new lens however I knew I could call them if I needed to. I actually did a couple of days later and it turned out that I was experiencing something completely normal so didn't have to worry. Whew!! I am so grateful to have had that done. Then, one week later, they did the other eye. It was very similar in every way except this one hurt a bit. Nothing major but I was surprised. Then after was the drops. You had to remember to use the drops because it made your body accept the foreign object. They are quite soothing as your eyes can get quite dry. I used them up like a hungry beggar because I wasn't going to have anything go wrong if I could prevent it. 

I am so grateful and happy that I got this done. I see wonderfully well, and my eyes are healthy and the best part is that I don't have to wear glasses for driving or watching TV anymore. How liberating that is. I hate that I have to wear them for reading but who knows? Maybe in the near future I will get the Laser treatment done so that I can lose for that as well. We'll see, lol. 

Namaste

Heather 

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My Very Best Friend

Sammy Persall

June 17, 2003-June 11, 2020

My heart is shattered. I am broken and can hardly concentrate on anything. It is taking all I can find to care about much of anything. Sammy developed Bowel Cancer and in very short order had to be put to sleep. I can hardly believe such a wonderful creature could be taken by something so fucking awful! And I am overwhelmed by guilt. Not about letting her go. That would be an act of cruel selfishness to make her keep hanging on because I couldn't let go. I feel that she trusted me implicitly to take care of her "in sickness and in health" so to speak and I feel like I let her down. My logical brain is fighting with my emotional brain and it is a close contest. Right now the emotions are winning and it isn't pretty. The vet sent a beautiful sympathy card personally signed by him with a lovely note acknowledging my pain and the difficulty he knew I faced to make the decision. He thanked me for being brave enough to really love my kitty and put her out of her suffering. It meant so much to me to have someone who knows about all these things let me know that I definitely did the right thing. And we all know the right thing is rarely the easy thing. 

Sammy surprised me so many times through the years. She absolutely did things that you would not expect a cat to do or even want to do. She would follow me like a dog. She always wanted to be with me whatever I was doing. That sometimes was difficult because I insisted on her being an indoor cat. Some people think that is mean but I do not. Everywhere I have lived, there have been serious predators and her life would have been at risk all the time. 

Sammy loved flowers. She would go out of her way to smell them and sit with them. This is the one and only bouquet Wayne got for Valentine's for me, the year he passed away. This is a very special picture. 

Also that same year, Tamara and Jay were coming out to introduce Wayne's new granddaughter, Sadie and stay for a long awaited visit with us in Hope. I bought the green toy, Scout, for Sadie but when I was going to wrap it Sammy fell in love with it. And I have played the music for her every day since. There is a lullaby section that I would press and she would nap away. The last day she was here, I played it and when I came back in the room, she was purring. 

This picture was taken a few days before. She was needing the sunshine and the energy from it. The next picture both elates me and tears me apart. It is of her communicating with her Angel. They are telling her that time is near and she will be alright. It was so wonderful to see that she was getting reassured but hurt my heart so much because it meant that it was a done deal and there would be no turning back. I loved her so deeply I didn't want it to be real. 

I love you my dear! I will always hold you in my heart. Thank you for being a loving, devoted best friend to me. Until we meet again, be safe. 

Namaste!

 

 

 SATURDAY, MAY 23, 2009

 

                            Experience in the First Degree!

 

Let me start with the situation that has prompted this blog. In September of 2006, my husband was sitting in a left turn lane waiting to make his turn. A woman in an oncoming vehicle chose that intersection to look for something on her dash while speeding up to get through because the light had turned yellow. Her attention was not where it should be and consequently, she drove into his car leaving him an incomplete quadriplegic with damage to the C3 and 4, and C5 and 6 areas of his spine. This was the beginning of a most incredible journey in pain, suffering, emotional upheaval, and abject fear.

 

 

I had been cleaning the house and getting ready for a nice evening starting with a great dinner and quiet time with Wayne. Everything was set but it was starting to get a bit late. I checked my watch to see what time it was. I was expecting him to be home or at least call me around 3 or 3:30. It was now 4:30 and no call. The phone rang around 5 and I thought about him. Imagine my surprise to hear an unfamiliar voice asking me if this was Mrs. Persall? I said yes tentatively, thinking I was going to get sold a set of golf clubs or a free trip. She said she was calling from the Royal Columbian Hospital to let me know that they had my husband there and that he had been involved in a car accident. I expressed alarm and she reassured me that they were just waiting for x-rays to come back to confirm whether he had any broken bones or not. I said I would be there right away and her next sentence chills me to this very day. She said "Don't rush!"

 

I got to emergency and asked where he was. They pointed me in the right direction and as I got closer to his spot, I could hear him crying and calling out for help please this hurts so bad! They  didn't dare give him anything for the pain until the neuropathic surgeon had seen him because they could  mask something critical. It broke my heart to see him so bad off. He had a collar around his neck and wasn't moving much and as soon as he saw me, he begged me to find someone to help him get something for the pain. It took another hour before the surgeon was there to see him and the x-rays. We were told that he would be staying in the hospital for a bit and that although he was paralyzed at the moment, he should

expect a 95% chance of recovery. I was terrified for him but positive in my outlook because of that information. It is now May of 2009 and Wayne still has not walked. He has had some recovery and is hopeful of more but we  aren't there yet.

 

 

In this journey we have met some wonderful and some terrible people. The medical system is already stressed to the max but needs to provide so much more. He spent 16 months in hospital and GF Strong in Vancouver and received many different levels of care. There doesn't seem to be any real qualifier when it comes to quadriplegia. This experience has changed both of us and I might add, for the better. It is hard to believe that such a terrible thing could bring good positive changes to your life but it is true. I have come to realize my inner strength and my limitations. My love for life and how wonderful it can be is fortified even more. I love my husband with all my heart and that won't change. It is said that 90% of spouses and loved ones will leave a situation like this because it is just too hard to deal with. I have to say that I understand that and don't judge those who can't handle it. I take my hat off to those who stick with it (including myself) because believe me it isn't easy! I want to share this experience because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and people need to know it. Others will share similar experiences and likely will feel the same frustrations and anger that we felt. They need to know there is help to be found and that they are not alone. I felt terribly alone and desolate. So, this light will shine for others and I will continue to update regularly while telling the rest of the story. I am thankful for a loving God in my life and a mother who taught me that courage doesn’t come from fists but rather the tiny little voice in the quiet that says

"You can do it." Peace!

History Repeats

 

I used to blog under another name and because I had not been active for a very long time, blogger deleted all my blogs. Fortunately I loved my writing and had the foresight to print everything I had written. These are old blogs from 2009 to 2011. I am going to publish them all again because they still have impact and I want the message to get out. I believe in positivity and we all strive to be better humans so let's lift each other up. And maybe with all that is going on in the world, this is a good and right time to publish them again. I do hope you will enjoy them. 

Heather 

PS.....Can you tell I am looking forward to "Spring"?