REFLECTIONS

I find it a little sad in a way that I don't cry anymore when I think of Wayne. I miss him and the other day, I found myself craving one of his glorious hugs. I still talk to him and it would be awesome to share some of the really cool things that have happened since his passing but somehow I know he knows. I'm sure he wants to give me advice. It must be hard being on the other side and truly having to let go and let the person make those mistakes.

It reminds me of parenting.  Sometimes you just have to stand back and let the inevitable happen. Otherwise they don't learn to take care of themselves or to have caution when they should. After my husband had the motor vehicle accident that left him a quadriplegic, I spent months running to make sure things were easier for him. I would pick stuff up, reach for him, quickly get that bite of food into his mouth. After a while I realized that part of his deepest depression was that he couldn't do the things he could before. So I hatched an idea after he kind of forced me to. I had left some cookies on the table and left to go do something in another room. When I came back, I noticed that it appeared that one was missing. I shrugged it off because I wasn't in to counting cookies. After leaving the room again, I came back and this time for sure there was a cookie missing!! I didn't say anything that day but a few days later, I went to Timmy's and got him some Timbits. He really liked those. When I got home he lit up to see the treasure. I put them on a flat plate and sat them on the table within reach for him. I smiled at him and said "You can have as many of those as you want. I have to go do something right now but I'll be back shortly to help you." With that I left the room and shed a tear where he wouldn't see me. Just in case I was wrong. I gave him about a half hour and went back to check on his progress. I came back to a big grin and a plate that was nearly empty. We both laughed at that. We had been through so much and always were struggling. This was a gigantic win. I was so proud of his efforts to just try and live a regular day. For us that meant so much fuss and goings on involving others and apparatus that was both life saving and scary. I can get up, shower have breakfast get dressed and leave the house in about 45 minutes. It took upwards of two hours for him to start facing the day.

But, enough of that. My point is that I have finally reached a point of freedom, or relief, if you like by being able to think of him in a loving and pleasant way without the tears, or feelings that surrounded his last five years in existence. It kind of surprised me recently when I started thinking about how much time has passed since he passed. He died July 20, 2011. And here we are in 2018. 7 years and in some ways they felt like they have flown by yet in others time has crawled along at a snail's pace. I am so glad he didn't have to suffer anymore. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been able to have a wonderful life together while it lasted. None of us is here permanently so it is important to be able to find some peace and contentment if you can. And if it is with someone in your life to share? So much the better!!

Namaste!

Power, Responsibility, and Judgement.

A couple of nights ago I was watching the Golden Globe Awards. We  have so many wonderful and talented performers and it's nice to see hard work rewarded and peers acknowledging each other. I, like many others, was suitably impressed with the eloquent and powerfully moving speech made by none other than Oprah Winfrey. It spoke out about sexual harassment and how it has been in the dark for far too long. It also has kicked off the "Time's Up" movement to get it into the light. The behaviour is not acceptable and more importantly, people have to stop being punished or disbelieved when they speak up about it. 

I felt a great deal of sadness this morning as I was reading that Ivanka Trump spoke in agreement with Oprah and wanted to let it be publicly acknowledged. I was surprised at so many people reacting in a very unkind and negative way pointing out that her father is a predator and telling her she didn't get to be a part of this. I felt it was exceedingly unfair to judge her on her father's actions. And to shun her was this side of cruel. I stated on social media that I wanted people to think about what they say and how they judge each other. After all, if he is a predator outwardly, do they not think he is also at home? I believe that she is just as much a victim as all those complaining about him and frankly maybe more!! You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and she never looks happy. I have always thought she looks haunted. Sadly I am all too familiar with that look as I have worn it before myself. On the outside everybody thought my family was healthy, happy, and supportive of each other. I grew up feeling betrayed by every male figure in my impressionable life. They all took turns molesting me and making me feel less and less worthy. Mine is not a singular story unfortunately. Many of us has grown up in a society where females of all ages were not valued except for play time. And many of us grew up very angry. My daughter never experienced that because I was extremely diligent in watching for that and fortunately I had quality people in my life. She has grown to be an incredible, vibrant, and extremely intellectual individual. 

I speak to all of this because the reason they got away with it for so long was because no one would speak up. We weren't believed and lots of times ridiculed for saying anything. Our parents didn't want anything to rock the boat. My Mother always said "Peace at any Price!" I didn't understand what she meant by that until I finally had the courage to tell her what had been happening for about 10 years. And, predictably, she reacted in a huge dramatic way wanting to know why I hadn't said anything before. We would have left. She had never let me know that I had that kind of support since I had once tried to share some feelings with her and she told me not be ridiculous! To this day, I can feel very uncomfortable in some situations. 

I am sorry for the backlash that Ivanka is taking but more than that I feel worried that the human race is losing it's "Humanity". Love each other and please think before you open your mouth. You don't know how far reaching your disdain will be.